Have you ever misplaced something and eventually stopped searching for it? – like when you are looking for a pen and suddenly you are unable to locate it on your study table or the time that you realized that your only scrunchie is missing after you have rifled through your bag for the nth time. I suppose this is not a rare case, for all and sundry this became an endless cycle of mishaps where we lose things and despite of all sorts of searching and cleaning, we ended up losing hope instead and decided to just cease trying.

Whatever the reason behind all these holdbacks, may I encourage you that the search need not to be over. Especially if you believe that it is truly worth finding. Let us be frank, Life does not come with a treasure map, which we can use to find way to the triumphs in life. It does not come with a URL where you can use google to search for you and find information about it. No matter how many programming classes you take, you can never crack the codes of your life. Hate to say this but there are no shortcuts.

The way I see it, feeling lost is your instinct telling you that you are not where you should be. Likewise, it means you are meant for something more, if not, at least, meant for something else. It may not be a direction or guiding principle explicitly telling you the criterion of having a well-lived life, rather it is the beginning of your awareness of what you truly deserve.

As I am writing this, I began to contemplate on things that I stopped searching - whether it is something that I was so sure that I am well-suited for it; or a friendship that became dormant after not being able to retain constant communication; maybe a dream that I have convinced myself is no longer worth chasing or a passion I already agreed that it is not meant for me. I began to understand that not everything I lose is a lost and that not all of them needs to be recovered – I would either just replace it or adjust to the fact that I am totally fine without them and move on.

So, if you are feeling lost keep moving forward and discovering more about life and yourself. Because honestly, none of us are actually lost – just not in the right place yet. 

Just last week, before the awaited long weekend, fate led me to recollect the ancient blogsite of mine and I consequently unearthed several essays and poems which I wrote from decades ago. If you have been following (or maybe just casual browsing) on the wealth of my blogsite that I tended and neglected over the years, you may be wondering why on earth I am starting all over again despite the presence of vlogging which most people would prefer these days. Let’s just say that I wanted to start afresh with the concept of my online journaling as well as I needed a platform for my thoughts as I find writing very therapeutic, at least for me.

It has been a week since I revel the release of Taylor Swift’s Midnight Album and forthrightly, I’m still in awe with her song-writing scheme. Although I love all 20 songs in different ways, one particular song really struck me most and that is track no. 5 – “You’re On Your Own, Kid”. This song basically encapsulates the sense of liberty to write down and navigate your own story and that is something that I wanted to ramble about in my first blog after the hiatus.

"cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take...You've got no reason to be afraid"

Looking back from 5 years ago, I was a 21-year-old fresh graduate who moved 820 miles from her hometown to start a life of what she fancied during college. Of course, it was an ambivalent decision to drastically change by living independently – I was elated because I could make all the decisions myself, but at the same time, I must face all the ups and downs on my own. Retrospectively, life did not pan out the way I imagined. It consisted of self-sabotage, toxic people, demanding work-life, financial crisis, trusted the wrong people, enviable promotions from your friends or schoolmates and questioning my life choices. For someone who is a novice in the game called life and adulting, it was inevitably tough. I could still remember all the phone calls and conversations, brimmed with tears, that I had with every single one of my family and close friends soliciting for some advices to extrapolate my life in the big city. Unfortunate as this may be, for some event, I made a decision of coming back to my hometown.

Admittedly, I was not quite happy that my life in the urban had to end so soon but then I was convinced that it was the right decision. I wanted to go back but it seems like there is a force that has been telling me not to. And because of this I considered the possibility of a clean slate, a fresh start on life altogether in my hometown. I have reconnected with my old friends and found a job that I think I can be good at. Life was much easier when you are living under the roof where almost everything you need is offered. Throughout those years, I became contented with everything that transpired though I still encountered some bumps along the way. I was consistently focus on my work and did not have much going on aside from my ever-boring daily routine… It was not until after getting a hefty amount of realization that – there is nothing much going on in my life right now and I see myself like a seed buried in ground waiting for the sun to enlighten me for some growth. I subsequently found myself walking in a monochromatic thread. I knew for myself that I could do more than this.

It was in that moment that I grasped the notion that I had to initiate something. I reckoned that I am already entirely comfortable with where I was at that moment and altering it will only have the risk of winding up wallowing in self-pity and licking my own wounds. Yet in reverse, if I held fast to my vision and would not release my grip, unless experience would teach me otherwise, I might end up exactly where I wanted to (or even better) – a rather optimistic thought interrupted my qualms. I immediately leaped to the online world and unearthed the possibility of obtaining that ticket. It was not long after a bird reached out to me and led me to where I am right now – simply living and coping the life that the juvenile me used to dream about. 

 

Just like everybody else, I went through so many ups and downs. Nevertheless, as I look back and reflect upon each moment, I now see that every decision I made amidst the progress and regress were products of my own beliefs and understanding on how I wanted to navigate my life. As a matter of fact, regardless of how utterly alone I felt at some point, I did not do the whole thing on my own – there were those people who supported me in every possible way, like someone who told me that I could do it even though there is a vague chance that I could, someone who shared their stories and offered advices for me to try and live by, someone who inspired me to grab the iron while it’s steaming hot and I was too afraid but did it anyway and someone who disagreed with me and because of that I got new perspectives. Not every door that you have been eyeing for a while in the surface called life will open for you but always remember that you will always have the capability to make a new a new one, perhaps a window and you’ll know for sure that it is meant to be opened just for you.